The Hills

About 364 days a year, I sit up at wee hours of the morning wishing stores would be open 24 hours a day. As I sit at my desk, browsing the Internet, I am regretfully wondering why the hell I am sitting, bored, while HELLA stores are open, having huge gigantic sales. How fun would it be to go shopping at midnight? I say much. And yet, I sit here. Why? I have no idea.

I am imagining Walmart. I am imagining walking through the brisk air of the night, in a crowded parking lot, towards the double, swing doors that would open to the walkway of magic. Isles and isles of products, on sale, and wrapped in glittering boxes adorned with red Christmas bows and sale tags, while the overhead speakers play "The hiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiive with muuuuuuusic" as I gracefully swing like a ballerina when I pick up a pack of 36 tampons for $3.99. But that's not all! I make my way to the holiday department, where thousands of cheap plastic ornaments are stacked on shelves and singing Santa's are stuck on "ho-ho-ho-ing." Beauty, I tell you. I fill my cart with presents and crap, gliding over the sticky floors like an iceskater. The registers are all full, and I gleefully wait in line for 45 minutes, choosing what gum flavor I want from the candy displays. Sugarfree! Sticks or tabs? Sticks or tabs? STICKS OR TABS? Damnit. Tabs. I make conversation with the philipino lady at the checkstand, and for a second, JUST for a second, have a feeling of weakness and regret as I slide my VISA. Too late! Ha! I can't go back now. What's so bad about $167.43? Everything was on sale. As I load my own bags, I make my way out of the magic hallway, and hand over my receipt so the receipt-checker makes sure I didn't steal anything. I skip as I push my cart over the jagged concrete. I smile at the red Honda Civic that nearly swipes me, because I probably bought everything that bitch came here to buy, anyway. I won. I load my 17 bags, grab my new Mango tab gum, pop one in my mouth, turn on my engine, and take 13.6 minutes to leave, just to make other shoppers looking for parking work for it. "Ahhhhh," I release, and I sing to myself, "The hiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiive with muuuuuuuusic!"

But, no. Instead of taking advantage of something I wish for on every normal day of my life, I sit, writing a blog about it.

Figures.