The Hills

About 364 days a year, I sit up at wee hours of the morning wishing stores would be open 24 hours a day. As I sit at my desk, browsing the Internet, I am regretfully wondering why the hell I am sitting, bored, while HELLA stores are open, having huge gigantic sales. How fun would it be to go shopping at midnight? I say much. And yet, I sit here. Why? I have no idea.

I am imagining Walmart. I am imagining walking through the brisk air of the night, in a crowded parking lot, towards the double, swing doors that would open to the walkway of magic. Isles and isles of products, on sale, and wrapped in glittering boxes adorned with red Christmas bows and sale tags, while the overhead speakers play "The hiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiive with muuuuuuusic" as I gracefully swing like a ballerina when I pick up a pack of 36 tampons for $3.99. But that's not all! I make my way to the holiday department, where thousands of cheap plastic ornaments are stacked on shelves and singing Santa's are stuck on "ho-ho-ho-ing." Beauty, I tell you. I fill my cart with presents and crap, gliding over the sticky floors like an iceskater. The registers are all full, and I gleefully wait in line for 45 minutes, choosing what gum flavor I want from the candy displays. Sugarfree! Sticks or tabs? Sticks or tabs? STICKS OR TABS? Damnit. Tabs. I make conversation with the philipino lady at the checkstand, and for a second, JUST for a second, have a feeling of weakness and regret as I slide my VISA. Too late! Ha! I can't go back now. What's so bad about $167.43? Everything was on sale. As I load my own bags, I make my way out of the magic hallway, and hand over my receipt so the receipt-checker makes sure I didn't steal anything. I skip as I push my cart over the jagged concrete. I smile at the red Honda Civic that nearly swipes me, because I probably bought everything that bitch came here to buy, anyway. I won. I load my 17 bags, grab my new Mango tab gum, pop one in my mouth, turn on my engine, and take 13.6 minutes to leave, just to make other shoppers looking for parking work for it. "Ahhhhh," I release, and I sing to myself, "The hiiiiiiiiiiills are aliiiiiiiiive with muuuuuuuusic!"

But, no. Instead of taking advantage of something I wish for on every normal day of my life, I sit, writing a blog about it.

Figures.

Cramps in my pants!

Whenever I get cramps, I get a little crazy. A) From the pain, and B) because I'm usually drunk. Instead of popping pills for my pain, I drink instead. I feel it's healthier. And more fun. So, when the insanity hits, I always feel a song coming on! And, I LOVE singing songs about my cramps. I suppose it's my own way of amusing myself while I'm sliding off the couch in pain....and drunk.

Here goes!

I got cramps in my pants,
cramps in my pants,
take a shot of jack and
do a little dance

I wish my cramps would diiiiieeeeeeeeeee....
I wish my cramps would die!

I sit in agony,
watching reruns and talk shows,
while sipping on vodka and really cheap merlot,
I got bad cramps.
I gooooot bad cramps.

Sometimes I sit on the couch
and stare at the kitchen
dreaming about
cutting it all fucking ouuuuuuut,
My ovaries and everything.

When I'm sitting at the fireplace
smoking like a chimney,
I look down below,
wishing there was a boy's pee-peeeeeeeee....
wishing there was a boy's pee-pee

I always told myself,
God must be a male,
to give us periods and childbirth,
and make us bloated like a whaaaaaaale....

I have bad cramps!

The End.

I love procrastination!

....and I just realized why. I love procrastination because (doesn't that sound like the sentence formula of a first grader learning to write?) I am a slow thinker, 50% of the time. I re-think too much. For example, I will come up with the answer to a question my boss asked me six months ago, today. Hence, I procrastinate to collect as many bright ideas as I possible can before I have to stop and get whatever it is I'm doing, done. So, you see, sometimes procrastination is not so bad. In fact, sometimes, procrastination is just someone waiting for their best ideas. Plus, what's with all of the rush? I have a hunch that if people were to slooooooow down and think before doing things, the world would be a better place.

Anyhow.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, procrastination: to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done.

According to the Dictionary of Me, procrastination: to put off intentionally the doing of something in order to better do it.

So, procrastinate on, my friends.

Conversation

I came across an incredibly fascinating quote last night. The quote wasn't fascinating for any other reason beyond its incredible truth. The following quote is from a French play called "Foursome," by Eugene Ionesco:

"Let's grant that I said what I said about your talking without saying anything, now this doesn't mean that you always talk withought saying anything. There are times, however, when one says more in saying nothing and when one says nothing in talking too much. This depends on the situation and on the people involved. Now just how much have you actually said during the last few minutes? Nothing, absolutely nothing. No matter who says so."

I strongly encourage everyone to read this play. It's incredibly short (I believe only about four pages), unless what I read was just a scene (it did not specify). I have read a lot of literature during my schooling, and usually, all of it dragged on and on like a rainy day. This play, however, seemed to have such a strong underlying moral that was covered with such a simple scene. Anyhow, I thought that quote was incredibly powerful, just stated in a very simplistic manner. Now, think about it. How many people do you know that just talk, and talk, and talk without saying anything?