Yack!

When life makes you want to vomit in its face, do this:

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Way back in September...

Mom said something that cracked me up. I wrote it down and emailed it to myself, meaning to blog it. Now, in 2009, I finally came around to do it.

We were talking about religion, and in a dramatic way to express her dislike for all religious fanatics, she screamed, "I don't give a shit about rosh-hashana-a-shiska-bobbeesh!"

Last night...

this person blew me away, yet again. But, that's no surprise now, is it?

Incredible.

Paradise.

Transport me back.

Now.

Now, work can be fun for you, too!

Here are a few ideas to pass time in the cubicle:

• Arm people with water pistols, Nerf balls or paper wads to assail anyone who is blocking creativity
• Ask a work mate if they need a hand, then give them a photo copy of your hand
• At the office, make your garbage can into your in-tray
• Bring a different tablecloth and flowers for the lunch room everyday for a week
• Call everyone bob or Richard, even the females.
• Change the speed dial settings on a co workers phone
• Change your accent every three minutes.
• Crank up some music
• Create a hall of fame photo gallery
• Create an official lighten up room with books, posters, videos, etc.
• Create the worst case scenario for your project - feel free to exaggerate
• Decorate your office with fun posters - add a humor section to the bulletin board
• Dress up like a flight attendant and stand in an elevator, when people get on hand them peanuts and tell them to enjoy their flight.
• Give crazy awards fior the sexiest phone voice, biggest blunder, Most likely to OD on coffee, Largest toe contest or whatever
• Give your boss a "wet willy" and blame it on someone else standing there.
• Grab the whole team when you need to pick someone up at the airport
• Have a contest to see who gets to paint a mural on the elevator doors
• Have a slipper day.everyone wear slippers and have prizes for the funniest, the cutest, the most worn out etc.
• Have fun with a photocopier or scanner
• Have swivel chair races at work
• Hold an awards ceremony during a particular stressful period
• Hold meetings out of the board room - at a park, picnic site or a bowling alley
• Mail an anonymous joke-of-the-week to someone on a regular basis
• Move your desk into the elevator and ask anyone that comes in if they have an appointment.
• Penalize people who talk about work when they are not at work
• Play Nerf Frisbee in the office
• Pray to the gods of the water cooler and leave various sacrifices.
• Proudly show everyone your calculator and hand out cigars. Tell them your computer just had a baby.
• Put a sign on your photocopier that says "New Copier - Voice activated - please speak your command" Watch the fun
• Send odd emails from other peoples computers - Pretend you are them
• Show home slides or videos in the office during lunch hour
• Use a banana or any other vegetable as a pointer for your next presentation
• Water the fake office plants.
• Wear your thong over your trousers and act surprised when anyone notices
• When people send you unsolicited faxes - Send them back to them about 600 time

Listen to what I did! I went through overlooked emails, and compiled a list of "dirty" things (use your imagination, okay?) that could be quilted together to create body that satisfies the funny bone:

Let's have your member work on it this week.
It is difficult for him sometimes.
That could be even better!
We could mock up something tonight.
I just need something solid.
I can make it EPIC tonight.
We're kind of rushing with a couple of things…
Rest your fingers.
FINISHED. Is that okay?
SUPER!
Turned out pretty good.
Got it!
$40 each time
Looks like we missed this one.
I'm down.
Thank you for your input
I will get things looking nice shortly.
Voila!
It is indeed tough.
I've noticed that every now and then something I send from here doesn't reach it's destination. ;)
Good vibrations!
Your girlfriend!
I ate spam.
Can you open?
45 seconds?
This helps out a lot!
Thank you for trying.
Hang in there--hard to get in.
I'm trying my best!
I'll let you as soon as i do.
To catch you up!
I've just received.
Enjoy.
Internal!
Maybe one for outside and one for inside.
Let's turn this into rotation!
Tried to get in.
Phew!
That took longer than I expected!
This one's longer.
My fingers feel like they're bleeding!

NOW, this is how you combine the excerpts to make them superb:

"Can you open?"
"Hang in there, hard to get in."
"Rest your fingers."
"I'm trying my best!"
"Maybe one for outside and one for inside."
"Voila! Internal."
"Good vibrations!"
"I'll let you as soon as I do."
"Super!"
"My fingers feel like they're bleeding!"
"This helps out a lot!"
"Phew! I've just received. FINISHED! Is that okay?"
"45 seconds? That took longer than I expected!"
"I ate Spam."

Hawaii!

I'm leaving for Hawaii in 22 days, and it'll be my fourth time there. I'm so excited!

Possible Island Adventures List/"Watersports!!!"

1. Swimming with Sharks
2. Night Scuba Diving
3. Jet Skiing
4. Sunset Catamaran Cruise
5. Surfing Lessons
6. Jungle Zip Line
7. Pearl Harbor
8. Dole Plantation
9. Driving around island

Landfill.

I am determined to turn my backyard into a tropical oasis--complete with large, green, leafy palms, and an outdoor living room.

With such renovation comes intense manual labor, causing severe back pain, and on the upside, lightening speed weight loss! So, in essence, my backyard AND body are getting makeovers!

This brings me to a wonderful conclusion. Why do people use gyms? If we all invested our energy (and by that I mean mostly physical) into our living spaces, they would be impeccable, and so would our figures! Doesn't it make sense? Instead of paying for a gym membership and aimlessly running without going anywhere, clean your house! But I mean REALLY clean it. The kind of deep, aggravating cleaning that works up an intense sweat. My policy on cleaning (outside of trying to associate it with working out) is that if you're cleaning without sweating and breathing heavily, you're doing it wrong. If everyone were to use this advice, imagine how beautiful the world would be--both bodies and surroundings? Not to mention the wonderful sense of pay-off and self gratification one receives after physically working hard on something for themselves. You don't have to give your landscaper or gardener credit!

Manual labor is your friend. Fire your gardeners and get diggin.'